... And then ...

Well ... I'm not here to indulge my self with any kind of pity. I’m here to talk to you about what my thoughts are when I wake up. These thoughts, although I’ve been having them since I was a really small child, have been haunting me with a greater strength in the last five or six years! I don’t believe that anyone ever had the courage (lets call it that) to try and help me in order to overcome them. Now you think – ‘What are these thoughts?’ - … ! Well … This never leaves me very happy so – Here it goes – I … think … about … travelling to a very different place from were we can say we’re living human beings – This is – I think about what are the chances to leave this human existence and this human impregnated world – WHY – because I don’t like it – Mostly in the mornings, when I’m most sober, I hate the kind of animals we’ve became and wish I wasn’t one of us. And I feel I have to carry this weight for an eternity until it falls asleep again! Each and every morning – A few months back, and during some time, I had some mornings that made me feel otherwise – I felt like there was no world – It was like I was really out of here and didn’t had the need to come back – It was so good. Unfortunately, due to our human nature also, it couldn’t be anymore – So now I’m on a roll! It will be one year in the next days that I lost the last breath of this connection that made me feel good in this world whatever the circumstances were. Now – can’t see why – or maybe can – I’m no longer in love with this human life! Not enough to keep on dreaming and feeling that I have some kind of purpose in this insane world. Most people don’t know how it is to wake up every morning wishing to be «dead» - I used to think that was a good thing – Nowadays I believe that we don’t think much on anything apart from what we already have invented – Still reinventing ourselves … I can’t reinvent my principles and they aren’t applicable anymore! – Got to throw them out some way … Eheheh … ! … I can hate my self when I realise that I belong to the only species in this world that has for standalone adversary its own species.

We should be a little bit smarter by now.

I can see why I wake up for a nightmare … Still I know that there are things that could make me forget this nightmare – Should I ? … Not for me to decide …